Unashamed: Receiving God's love when you feel unlovable

Parenthood has taught me too many lessons to write down. But if there’s one that rises above the rest, it’s that we have the power to define our child’s initial understanding of love.

I grew up in a home where my parents were imperfect but growing. They’ve been faithfully married for over 40 years, but I remember hard times and harsh words, as well as a lot of happiness. Now that I’m a parent of three wonderful boys, I recognize more than ever the need to have Jesus guide our words and ways. How I represent God to my kids will affect all of their future relationships, including their relationship with themselves. Luckily, we serve a God who gives generous grace and redeems our mistakes.

I had a front row seat to seeing God transform my parents’ lives. Where shame or fear-driven conflicts once existed, now I see freedom and understanding. But I catch myself falling into the same shame pattern, saying things to my children in an accusing way or not listening to their hearts. It’s a pattern I don’t want repeated. When I hear similar words coming out of my mouth, I’m transported back to my own childhood where I felt unseen, unheard and ashamed.

My solution as a child was to avoid being shamed by being above the reproof of my parents. Be good and you’ll be gifted love. Act perfectly and you’ll be accepted, hopefully avoiding any rejection or pain. This type of approval-driven behavior can only last for so long. Eventually, every person trips up. Nobody but Jesus can embody perfection.

And so, I began to believe the lie that if I was imperfect I was also unlovable. Shame became my shadow, following me around, ready to strike at any sign of failure or weakness. I tried to get people to like me by being whatever they needed. For my parents, I was a good daughter. For my boyfriends, I was a perfect girlfriend. For my teachers, I was an A+ student. Eventually, this mindset applied to my relationship with Jesus. God would only love me if I served Him full-time, had daily quiet times, and tried my hardest not to sin. Right?

I remember letting the words from the book of 1 John sink into my heart for the first time. I was in college and was immediately drawn to the word "lavish."

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are.” (1 John 3:1, NIV)

What amazed me was the simplicity. We are lavished, or extravagantly covered, in the love of God, not because of anything we’ve done but because of everything Christ did. The cross makes it possible for us have access to God’s family as His precious child.

Even if we don’t think we deserve this title because we struggle with sin, John makes it clear: God deems the unlovable unconditionally loved. He says regardless of our feelings, when we believe in the gospel, that is what we are. And that is who we stay.

This is the true definition of love that changed my life. And it’s the only representation of Christ I want to give.

As a wife.

As a parent.

As a writer.

As a woman who is fully seen and lavishly loved by God.

Scripture for meditation
“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are” (1 John 3:1, NIV)

Prompts for reflection and journaling

What thoughts or feelings come to mind when you consider God’s unconditional love for you?

What mindset or lie may be preventing you from living lavishly loved by God?

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